~~~I stumbled upon this the other day, and a rush of memories came back.
I grew up in a catholic home, went to a catholic school, went to church every Sunday, and I still had no clue what my faith was. I never felt like my religion was a part of me or had any clue of who I was. Then God gave me this:
When I first started going to adoration, I had no clue how to pass the time. I would try and stretch my rosary out for 30 min. Just to swallow some of the un-ending hour. I was about to graduate from high school, and the gifts from "family friends" that I have never known were pouring in. In one of the packets, there was a small red book called "My daily Life". It was deep reading for back then. ... Well, let's not kid anyone, it's still really deep for me. But I tried to at least get through the first few pages.
~St. Paul gives a good description of this human situation in his letter to the Romans. He writes : "I cannot understand my own behavior. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate... for though to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want... In fact this seems to be the rule, the every single time I want to do good, it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles the law which my reason dictates."
....WHAT!... back that soul train up... did I read that correctly?... This is SAINT Paul writing here, and it sounds like something I would say (but in a Texas accent). This is not some perfect person telling me about a perfect life, but a sinner who strives for a perfect life with Christ. For the first time, I realized that the bible could relate to me. The bible can still be relevant in 2002 (the year at the time) and is not out of date with our society!
With this new realization, I found the bible and catechism full of relevant info. From marriage, to prayer, to love, to homosexual relations, to masturbation, to how a wife should behave, to how I can be a vessel for Christ, to how I should love my God. And most importantly, it showed me how much he loves me in return. I'm sure St. Paul didn't realize that those words he wrote would lead a girl hundreds of year later closer to Christ, but I'm sure glad he wrote it anyway. Now I see the bible as a personal letter to me, rather than a book written by dead saints.
"So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. " Romans 7
April 27, 2005
April 18, 2005
Just a weekend...
Just a weekend... The phrase really doesn't do it any sort of justice. I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months and have had the chance to see Kevin 4 times since then. In some ways we are a normal couple: we talk on the phone every night, and go on dates when we get the chance. But in other ways we are not normal: I don't get to sit next to Kevin during mass, I don't get to hold his hand when hanging out with friends, and every time I see him, he looks a little different because of the time that's elapsed between visits.
It's not like we try to make the time between visits so long. Life makes it that way (jobs, school, limited vacation time, 5.5 hour drive, lack of funds). So when a visit does come, it is greeted with much anticipation and expectations. For instance, I know that the next time I see Kevin will be in 33 days. I'm a strong woman and doing great in life, but my best friend is miles away from me.
This past weekend was more than just a plain weekend because I got to look into the best looking green eyes. I got to feel someone play with my hair while I drove around town. I got to walk into Wal-mart holding his hand. I got to smack him in the arm when he made a comment I didn't like. I got to warm my feet under his legs when we sat on the couch. I was held in two big arms while we danced around the apartment. I got to have a ridiculous smile on my face all the time. I got to re-memorize the freckles on his face. I got to talk honestly and deeply. I got to grow closer to the man I love.
So while it may be just a weekend, it's what I live for and depend upon. A lot will happen in 33 days, but I will count down every day till I get just another weekend.
It's not like we try to make the time between visits so long. Life makes it that way (jobs, school, limited vacation time, 5.5 hour drive, lack of funds). So when a visit does come, it is greeted with much anticipation and expectations. For instance, I know that the next time I see Kevin will be in 33 days. I'm a strong woman and doing great in life, but my best friend is miles away from me.
This past weekend was more than just a plain weekend because I got to look into the best looking green eyes. I got to feel someone play with my hair while I drove around town. I got to walk into Wal-mart holding his hand. I got to smack him in the arm when he made a comment I didn't like. I got to warm my feet under his legs when we sat on the couch. I was held in two big arms while we danced around the apartment. I got to have a ridiculous smile on my face all the time. I got to re-memorize the freckles on his face. I got to talk honestly and deeply. I got to grow closer to the man I love.
So while it may be just a weekend, it's what I live for and depend upon. A lot will happen in 33 days, but I will count down every day till I get just another weekend.
April 14, 2005
A look into a look
::: formal season is here, and the dresses, shoes, jewelry, and make-up is all lining up. But lurking in the corner is a big ugly monster that I think all women face.
I was raised in a loving, supportive family that always thought I was pretty. I've never had a boy friend want me to get a "boob-job" or get a tan. No one has ever called my ugly, but it still doesn't stop the monster from popping in my head. I can be walking past a mirror, and all of a sudden think "dang, I look really good today. I feel like a goddess". And then the next day I'll walk past the same mirror and think "aughhh, what a hideous body". My body has barely changed in the past 4 years, but the way my mind perceives it changes by the day. I swear, if there was a pill out there that made you think you were a model everyday, I would be buying a truck load!
This body is part of who I am. God chose this body for me. No enhancement procedure, tanning bed, friends, modeling company, self-esteem, or clothes is going to change who I am. And on the flip side, the way I look doesn't change who I am. When I go to class in sweat pants a high school t-shirt with no make-up, I'm the same person as the put-together glamour girl at formal. Why can't we see that with our eyes.
My body (and some possible divine reasoning)
1) I am white and burn more than I tan- Maybe this was God's way to keep me from prolonged sun exposure. I have found from my aunts and mother (who tanned all the time as kids) that skin cancer is very prevalent in my family.
2) I am skinny all over except in my thighs (which wiggle all around when I walk) - Maybe this was God's way of preparing me with a comfortable seat for my future children some day. We all know how uncomfortable a bony seat can be.
3) I have very small breasts - Larger breast size can cause back pain with women. I have enough back problems with out adding on extra weight to the cause. I also can hold a conversation with guy, without them looking down instead of into my eyes. Maybe God wanted me to talk to a guy that another girl couldn't because he would get distracted. Who knows? God is cool like that.
I may not always appreciate my body, but I was given it for many reasons. I just need to learn to appreciate it more. So tomorrow morning, when I role out of bed in my stinky pj's, hair all kinds of wild, breath so strong it could kill a small animal, face flush and pimply, I will look into the mirror and proudly yell out "DAMN, I LOOK SEXY!!!!" I suggest you do the same!
I was raised in a loving, supportive family that always thought I was pretty. I've never had a boy friend want me to get a "boob-job" or get a tan. No one has ever called my ugly, but it still doesn't stop the monster from popping in my head. I can be walking past a mirror, and all of a sudden think "dang, I look really good today. I feel like a goddess". And then the next day I'll walk past the same mirror and think "aughhh, what a hideous body". My body has barely changed in the past 4 years, but the way my mind perceives it changes by the day. I swear, if there was a pill out there that made you think you were a model everyday, I would be buying a truck load!
This body is part of who I am. God chose this body for me. No enhancement procedure, tanning bed, friends, modeling company, self-esteem, or clothes is going to change who I am. And on the flip side, the way I look doesn't change who I am. When I go to class in sweat pants a high school t-shirt with no make-up, I'm the same person as the put-together glamour girl at formal. Why can't we see that with our eyes.
My body (and some possible divine reasoning)
1) I am white and burn more than I tan- Maybe this was God's way to keep me from prolonged sun exposure. I have found from my aunts and mother (who tanned all the time as kids) that skin cancer is very prevalent in my family.
2) I am skinny all over except in my thighs (which wiggle all around when I walk) - Maybe this was God's way of preparing me with a comfortable seat for my future children some day. We all know how uncomfortable a bony seat can be.
3) I have very small breasts - Larger breast size can cause back pain with women. I have enough back problems with out adding on extra weight to the cause. I also can hold a conversation with guy, without them looking down instead of into my eyes. Maybe God wanted me to talk to a guy that another girl couldn't because he would get distracted. Who knows? God is cool like that.
I may not always appreciate my body, but I was given it for many reasons. I just need to learn to appreciate it more. So tomorrow morning, when I role out of bed in my stinky pj's, hair all kinds of wild, breath so strong it could kill a small animal, face flush and pimply, I will look into the mirror and proudly yell out "DAMN, I LOOK SEXY!!!!" I suggest you do the same!
April 6, 2005
No, I do not want sex in a bottle!
I apologize for this not being a reason to praise God, but it bothers me so much that I must share!
I am a bottle reader. Lotion, Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Products, the works... I love reading the stupid fluff stuff on the back and sad directions (come on, who doesn't already know how to shampoo their hair). But I read the info on the back of the Herbal Essences shampoo, and it just crossed the line. I will type the exact wording from the bottle:
Escape into a world of exotic pleasure and unleash the power of your naturally beautiful hair. Seductively lush and wild, this shampoo will take your hair to a place it's never been before.
Herbal Lore: Ginger Flower has sensuous arousal powers; it's been used as a seducing botanical for centuries.
DIRECTIONS: Massage your hair under a waterfall and get lost in the sensuous lather. Linger in the lush fragrance and exotic pleasure. Rinse when ready.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I assume I am part of the target demographic for Herbal essences, but I assure you that I don't want analogies to sex on my shampoo. It was bad enough that they had "moaning" commercials that would make you feel horribly uncomfortable while sitting next to your dad, but now they make me uncomfortable by myself in the shower. How sad is that this sex drenched, gutter minded world has to use words like pleasure, sensuous, and arouse just to sell something to rid your hair of oil every day! This is the last time I'm buying herbal essences. I would rather read the boring bottle of Head & Shoulders. With them I don't have worry about getting dirty again right after I shower...
I am a bottle reader. Lotion, Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Products, the works... I love reading the stupid fluff stuff on the back and sad directions (come on, who doesn't already know how to shampoo their hair). But I read the info on the back of the Herbal Essences shampoo, and it just crossed the line. I will type the exact wording from the bottle:
Escape into a world of exotic pleasure and unleash the power of your naturally beautiful hair. Seductively lush and wild, this shampoo will take your hair to a place it's never been before.
Herbal Lore: Ginger Flower has sensuous arousal powers; it's been used as a seducing botanical for centuries.
DIRECTIONS: Massage your hair under a waterfall and get lost in the sensuous lather. Linger in the lush fragrance and exotic pleasure. Rinse when ready.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I assume I am part of the target demographic for Herbal essences, but I assure you that I don't want analogies to sex on my shampoo. It was bad enough that they had "moaning" commercials that would make you feel horribly uncomfortable while sitting next to your dad, but now they make me uncomfortable by myself in the shower. How sad is that this sex drenched, gutter minded world has to use words like pleasure, sensuous, and arouse just to sell something to rid your hair of oil every day! This is the last time I'm buying herbal essences. I would rather read the boring bottle of Head & Shoulders. With them I don't have worry about getting dirty again right after I shower...
April 3, 2005
Saying good-bye to Papa
^^^As the whole world knows now, Pope John Paul the Second has left this world to go to his real home. It makes me laugh now to think of one of my Protestant friends leaning over and asking me "How do you feel about this pope thing?". I don't quite remember what lame response I gave back to her, but it deserves further contemplation. The more I research my Catholic faith, the more I find out what a "devout catholic" I am. It's kind of funny, really. I've spent my whole life open to different walks of life and immersed in as much diversity as I could. And in the end, I always find the church as the center of truth. I used to be ashamed to say this, but not anymore. I'm a Papist. No, I didn't misspell Baptist. A papist is a Roman Catholic who is a strong advocate of the papacy and adheres to the Church of Rome and the authority of the pope. I followed the teaching and guidance of Pope John Paul II, the 264th successor of Saint Peter, and I will follow the next successor of Peter.
^^^ I am truly blessed to say that I got to see JPII with my own eyes New Years day 2005 in Vatican City, Italy. The whole experience was surreal and eye-opening. When you see the history of the church with your very own eyes on such holy ground, there is no question that the Roman Catholic church was the very first church and where the laws passed down from Jesus still remain. The history itself is overwhelming evidence. During the mass, people were standing of chairs and straining necks just to a get a glimpse at such an amazing man. Even in a wheel-chair with a slightly slurred speech, the Pope held more awe, power, and respect than any other man in the world. The amazing thing I thought about the Pope was how he made the church alive in this century, yet still firm on the teachings we have always held. Challenging the world against homosexual relations, contraceptives, and abortion. He saw the youth are the new leaders of the world, and spoke to them many a time about there responsibility in the Church to the "watchmen" of the new world.
We love you, J-P-2!
^^^ I am truly blessed to say that I got to see JPII with my own eyes New Years day 2005 in Vatican City, Italy. The whole experience was surreal and eye-opening. When you see the history of the church with your very own eyes on such holy ground, there is no question that the Roman Catholic church was the very first church and where the laws passed down from Jesus still remain. The history itself is overwhelming evidence. During the mass, people were standing of chairs and straining necks just to a get a glimpse at such an amazing man. Even in a wheel-chair with a slightly slurred speech, the Pope held more awe, power, and respect than any other man in the world. The amazing thing I thought about the Pope was how he made the church alive in this century, yet still firm on the teachings we have always held. Challenging the world against homosexual relations, contraceptives, and abortion. He saw the youth are the new leaders of the world, and spoke to them many a time about there responsibility in the Church to the "watchmen" of the new world.
We love you, J-P-2!
April 2, 2005
I'm a virgin to this...
*** This is my very first time to start a blog-zanga-on-line-diary type things, so we'll see how this goes. Who knows who even reads these things anyway! Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to keep a diary like the cool girls. But the combination of my horrible handwriting and spelling stopped me from really using one. But I do believe there are many benefits to writing down your thoughts. So while this might not help anyone else, I'm excited to have a platform to spill my thoughts onto. ~plus with spell checks and fonts, I don't have to worry about my previous interferences~
RTPG - I will soon be leaveing this ghetto fabulous apartment. Today I had a normal shower for about 2 minutes before the water pressure gave out and the hot water turned barly lukewarm. I just want a normal shower. Is that really to much to ask.
RTPG - Talking with my old best friend Amy on Thurdays (sorry I missed the rock everyone). I was really nervous about it, but it went great. It made me miss the old days of hanging out at a coffee shop every night, listing to ghetto music in cars with real speaker systems, going to the tracks to drag race and check out cars (and maybe guys every once and awhile). The old days were great, but i love where I am now.
RTPG - Formal dress shopping with Erica. There's nothing like dress shopping with one of your best girl friends. Some dresses looked really great, and well some.... not so good. One mad erica look like a sad las vegas waitress and me like a tube of toothpaste! Good laughs were had by all.
peak-into-adoration: This was a good adoration week. Me and God are on speaking terms again. All it took was for me to get my head out of the sand, and stop living in the world. It's so hard to come back after a low, but it's so depressing to stay in a low state. We talked about doing somethings that were out of my comfort bubble this week. So far only two have come up. One was talking to Amy again, and the other was ansering questions about catholisism. Both were fun and enjoyable in the end.
RTPG - I will soon be leaveing this ghetto fabulous apartment. Today I had a normal shower for about 2 minutes before the water pressure gave out and the hot water turned barly lukewarm. I just want a normal shower. Is that really to much to ask.
RTPG - Talking with my old best friend Amy on Thurdays (sorry I missed the rock everyone). I was really nervous about it, but it went great. It made me miss the old days of hanging out at a coffee shop every night, listing to ghetto music in cars with real speaker systems, going to the tracks to drag race and check out cars (and maybe guys every once and awhile). The old days were great, but i love where I am now.
RTPG - Formal dress shopping with Erica. There's nothing like dress shopping with one of your best girl friends. Some dresses looked really great, and well some.... not so good. One mad erica look like a sad las vegas waitress and me like a tube of toothpaste! Good laughs were had by all.
peak-into-adoration: This was a good adoration week. Me and God are on speaking terms again. All it took was for me to get my head out of the sand, and stop living in the world. It's so hard to come back after a low, but it's so depressing to stay in a low state. We talked about doing somethings that were out of my comfort bubble this week. So far only two have come up. One was talking to Amy again, and the other was ansering questions about catholisism. Both were fun and enjoyable in the end.
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