Amen Brother Paul

~~~I stumbled upon this the other day, and a rush of memories came back.

I grew up in a catholic home, went to a catholic school, went to church every Sunday, and I still had no clue what my faith was. I never felt like my religion was a part of me or had any clue of who I was. Then God gave me this:

When I first started going to adoration, I had no clue how to pass the time. I would try and stretch my rosary out for 30 min. Just to swallow some of the un-ending hour. I was about to graduate from high school, and the gifts from "family friends" that I have never known were pouring in. In one of the packets, there was a small red book called "My daily Life". It was deep reading for back then. ... Well, let's not kid anyone, it's still really deep for me. But I tried to at least get through the first few pages.

~St. Paul gives a good description of this human situation in his letter to the Romans. He writes : "I cannot understand my own behavior. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate... for though to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want... In fact this seems to be the rule, the every single time I want to do good, it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles the law which my reason dictates."
....WHAT!... back that soul train up... did I read that correctly?... This is SAINT Paul writing here, and it sounds like something I would say (but in a Texas accent). This is not some perfect person telling me about a perfect life, but a sinner who strives for a perfect life with Christ. For the first time, I realized that the bible could relate to me. The bible can still be relevant in 2002 (the year at the time) and is not out of date with our society!

With this new realization, I found the bible and catechism full of relevant info. From marriage, to prayer, to love, to homosexual relations, to masturbation, to how a wife should behave, to how I can be a vessel for Christ, to how I should love my God. And most importantly, it showed me how much he loves me in return. I'm sure St. Paul didn't realize that those words he wrote would lead a girl hundreds of year later closer to Christ, but I'm sure glad he wrote it anyway. Now I see the bible as a personal letter to me, rather than a book written by dead saints.

"So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. " Romans 7

Just a weekend...

Just a weekend... The phrase really doesn't do it any sort of justice. I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months and have had the chance to see Kevin 4 times since then. In some ways we are a normal couple: we talk on the phone every night, and go on dates when we get the chance. But in other ways we are not normal: I don't get to sit next to Kevin during mass, I don't get to hold his hand when hanging out with friends, and every time I see him, he looks a little different because of the time that's elapsed between visits.

It's not like we try to make the time between visits so long. Life makes it that way (jobs, school, limited vacation time, 5.5 hour drive, lack of funds). So when a visit does come, it is greeted with much anticipation and expectations. For instance, I know that the next time I see Kevin will be in 33 days. I'm a strong woman and doing great in life, but my best friend is miles away from me.

This past weekend was more than just a plain weekend because I got to look into the best looking green eyes. I got to feel someone play with my hair while I drove around town. I got to walk into Wal-mart holding his hand. I got to smack him in the arm when he made a comment I didn't like. I got to warm my feet under his legs when we sat on the couch. I was held in two big arms while we danced around the apartment. I got to have a ridiculous smile on my face all the time. I got to re-memorize the freckles on his face. I got to talk honestly and deeply. I got to grow closer to the man I love.

So while it may be just a weekend, it's what I live for and depend upon. A lot will happen in 33 days, but I will count down every day till I get just another weekend.

A look into a look

::: formal season is here, and the dresses, shoes, jewelry, and make-up is all lining up. But lurking in the corner is a big ugly monster that I think all women face.

I was raised in a loving, supportive family that always thought I was pretty. I've never had a boy friend want me to get a "boob-job" or get a tan. No one has ever called my ugly, but it still doesn't stop the monster from popping in my head. I can be walking past a mirror, and all of a sudden think "dang, I look really good today. I feel like a goddess". And then the next day I'll walk past the same mirror and think "aughhh, what a hideous body". My body has barely changed in the past 4 years, but the way my mind perceives it changes by the day. I swear, if there was a pill out there that made you think you were a model everyday, I would be buying a truck load!

This body is part of who I am. God chose this body for me. No enhancement procedure, tanning bed, friends, modeling company, self-esteem, or clothes is going to change who I am. And on the flip side, the way I look doesn't change who I am. When I go to class in sweat pants a high school t-shirt with no make-up, I'm the same person as the put-together glamour girl at formal. Why can't we see that with our eyes.

My body (and some possible divine reasoning)
1) I am white and burn more than I tan- Maybe this was God's way to keep me from prolonged sun exposure. I have found from my aunts and mother (who tanned all the time as kids) that skin cancer is very prevalent in my family.

2) I am skinny all over except in my thighs (which wiggle all around when I walk) - Maybe this was God's way of preparing me with a comfortable seat for my future children some day. We all know how uncomfortable a bony seat can be.

3) I have very small breasts - Larger breast size can cause back pain with women. I have enough back problems with out adding on extra weight to the cause. I also can hold a conversation with guy, without them looking down instead of into my eyes. Maybe God wanted me to talk to a guy that another girl couldn't because he would get distracted. Who knows? God is cool like that.

I may not always appreciate my body, but I was given it for many reasons. I just need to learn to appreciate it more. So tomorrow morning, when I role out of bed in my stinky pj's, hair all kinds of wild, breath so strong it could kill a small animal, face flush and pimply, I will look into the mirror and proudly yell out "DAMN, I LOOK SEXY!!!!" I suggest you do the same!