Tear Stains on the Attic Floor

Up in my attic, you will find the general clutter of normal houses; red and green tubs filled with Christmas décor, dust coating every surface, and years worth of Clare's clothing that she has slowly outgrown.

I remember packing these tubs.  Smiling at the little outfits that were just too adorable.  Carefully folding each onesie, even those that were so stained that I would never use them again.  All the while, wondering how soon it would be before I was dragging them all down again to sort and clean for the next baby.

Life moved on.  More tubs were added.  We lost our son, William, before I even thought to start sorting clothes.  Months changed to years.  Now Clare is 4 years old.  Not a shred of her baby gear can be seen.  No soft soled shoes, no changing covers, no umbrella strollers.  All locked away in clear little plastic tubs in the attic waiting to be opened again.

I am doing a sewing project for my new niece and had to crawl up in the attic today.  I cracked open those bins and saw all the tiny clothes.  Clothes that were saved, because they were thought to be worn again soon.  And these past 4 years drew out before me like a long scroll.  Years filled with joy and sorrow, doctors and drugs, tests and negative results, religious prophesies and unfulfilled hope. 

I cried bitter tears on that attic floor.  I find it ironic that I feel more sorrow and loss for a child that I've never had, than for my own son that I held in my arms and buried in the ground.  At least he was alive. At lease he existed.  That's more than can be said for these tubs left to gather dust. 

I'm not writing this post looking for solutions or advise.  I've done everything I'm willing to do.  I've prayed the novenas, I've seen the doctors, I have looked into other options, and I have heard prophesies.  I know I am young, and my life will change.  I just desperately want to feel peace.  I hope laying this pain out for others to see will bring me closer to that.   

"Oh Lord, you will establish peace for us, since you have done everything else for us." Isaiah 26:12