5 Reasons You're Glad You Didn't Marry Me

I know there are thousands of men out there lamenting over the fact that they didn’t get to marry me *cough cough*, so here’s a little list to assure them why they do not wish I was their wife.

5. Rude Awakening. You know right before you go to sleep; the lights are off, the house is still, your body relaxes, and your mind finally drifts off to la la land after a long day. Then out of the blue… AHH-CHOOO. My untimely sneeze wakes us all up, and we have to start the falling asleep process all over again. Can you be allergic to sleep? I swear this happens once a week.

4. Cold Feet. Due to bad circulation, my feet are in a perpetual state of frozen. Every night we sit on the couch watching TV, and I wedge my icy paws under his legs. Kevin’s reactions are either (a) wincing pain from the fact I haven’t trimmed my nails in awhile, (b) the chills, because it’s like I’m shoving an ice pack onto his skin, or (c) a large sigh, because I refuse to wear socks that might solve the icy feet problem.

3. Laundry Apathy. While I am a dutiful house maker and tend to all the laundry of the house, I do it with disdain and disregard. I refuse to fold underwear and will only sloppily fold undershirts because I can’t shut the drawer otherwise. Socks never get turned right side out before being paired up and balled into a confusing knot. Shirts occasionally get hung up inside out, because I’m too lazy to do anything about it. And many weeks, our preciously clean clothes lie in a wrinkled pile on the floor. If I don’t put it up the day I clean them, they will inevitably sit in that pile till next week’s laundry day.

2. Inappropriate Timing. As most of you know, anything and everything comes out of my mouth when I’m talking. Very rarely do I think ahead to filter what I’m about to say, which leads to some embarrassing situations. Kevin and I were eating at McAlister’s once, and my salad came with regular white crackers and some brown whole wheat crackers. When I offered Kevin both packets, he only took the regular ones. So I blabbed out the ‘joke’, “What are you racist?” This happened at the same time an African American family was walking by our table. Fail

1. Food Aggression. This is a term we used at the shelter for dogs that were both over protective of their own food bowl and felt they had a right to other dogs food bowls. Unfortunately, my husband has also diagnosed me with the same condition. Don’t you even look at my food plate, because it is all mine. But if you don’t give me some of your food, I’ll be upset all night.