missing you

I miss my polar bear!!!

"Habits"

Okay so this started on Xanga, but here it is in the blogger world. 5 weird habits about myself:

1) I am a compulsive hot bath taker. I take a shower every morning, but at night if I feel bored, upset, sad, or stressed (which is every day) I'll take a hot bath. This can add up to a bath and a shower every day of the week. For instance... Tonight I took TWO hot baths... Why? I don't know, it's just a habit.

2) When no one is home (or at least I don't think anyone is home) I'll blast my radio and dance by myself in my room. Everything from hip hop dancing, to salsa, to two-stepping with an imaginary partner.

3) I only brush my teeth once a day. And I chew with my mouth open sometimes. And I have no problem using other people's tooth brush. And I'll eat leftovers that are really really old. Apparently I'm kinda of gross.

4) One of my absolutely favorite snacks is a piece of white bread with Miracle Whip... kind of like bread and butter. It really is good!

5) I hate writing with a pencil. I write on my tests in pen, my notes in pen, and underline things in books in pen.

Wild Thing... I think I love you!

~If you didn't already know it... I'm a little bit of a nature freak. This semester I've begun to volunteer at the South Plains Wildlife rehabilitation center here in Lubbock. We cover a very wide area and have one of the most diverse sites in all of Texas. We rehabilitate everything from deer, to opossums, to mourning doves, to squirrels, to barn owls, to cottontails, to bats, to anything.
~When I started, I was told to wear ragged t-shirts because you will normally get a combination of blood, bleach, and feces on your shirt, and so far that has held true! This is definitely not a job for the overly squimish or hygienic. In a normal 4 hour volunteering day, I do two loads of dishes in the sink, at least 2 loads of laundry (washing, drying, and folding), clean and fill a 6'x4' kiddy pool, enter about 1 hours worth of collection data, feed a pelican, 4 rabbits, 2 squirrels, 2 ravens, 1 black crowned heron, 3 ducks, plus whatever non-'resident' animals that need care, and go on a run to the nearby pet hospital. There's always something to do! It really is exhausting sometimes, but worth every minute.
~I've learned a lot from the wildlife out here, that I don't think I would have ever known if I hadn't been here. One thing would definitely have to be that all animals that are not domesticated are called wild for a reason. If you don't know what you are handling, don't handle it. I have the fun job of handling wild animals that I don't know much about because it's my job and I have to. Most of the time, you just learn things the hard way..
~When around raptorial birds (such as Mississippi kites that are very protective of there territory) it is best to feed them and get out of the area. I made the mistake of jokingly mimicking there cry to about 4 of them at the edge of the barn. They didn't think it was as cute of an idea as I did and dive bombed my head with their talons. lol. oh well, learned my lesson.
~I had the great honor to take care of two fawns for about a month before they were released. I never knew that they could be like over sized dogs. I would come in with two baby bottles of milk and they would jump on me just like a big dog would and nudge my legs.
~Don't tell Kevin, but I'm someone else's girlfriend. His name is Percy and he's our pelican. He comes up to a little lower than my waste and loves to follow me around the yard. We play catch with his halibut pieces and play splash in his kiddy pool. He loves to take his two foot long beak and bite hands, legs, you name it, but it does nothing more than pinch. He's a big sweetheart of a bird.
~We have a African Kookaburra that someone thought would be a fun exotic pet to abuse unfortunatly. He really is a unique and awesome bird. I don't know how many of you remember the old kids song; "Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. Merry, merry king of the bush is he, laugh kookaburra". Sometime while I'm folding laundry I'll talk to cookie (yes, everyone talks to the animals) and I'll ask him to laugh for me. Then the most wild 'jungle' bird call you have ever heard will come out of this out of place bird.
~We go have a few mammals that are big into snuggling if you know how to handle them. One is our Virginia opossum, Fiffe. She's such as sweetheart and would never bite a soul. Now I must admit that opossums are not one of God's prettier animals, but you would be surprised at how much she loves to snuggle in your arms. The other snuggler I handle is our 3 prairie dogs. They are a little less predictable. Some days you'll stick your hand in the cage and they will immediately bite you, others they'll leap into your arms to be cradled and pet for and hour.
~Work is very unpredictable, some days I'll clean for hours, some days I'll be holding a bleeding Harris hawk to the emergency vet, some days I'll spend the whole day feeding baby squirrels, some days I'll clean out the entire aviary, some days I'll record data is the computer for hours. It's nice to never know what surprise is around the corner. It's definitely one of the greatest volunteer position I've ever had, and I'm very grateful for the experience.

The Question? And the Answer!

Hello loved one's all over:::
I have a RTPG that I would like to share with the world. God has placed into my life a man of faith. He's amazingly strong when I'm weak, optimistic when I'm pessimistic, and shares in my joy and happiness. He is my future husband; Kevin Michael Morris. On Sept. 2, 2005, He asked the big question and I said yes. For all those who know anything about Kevin also know that this wasn't just any day, but one filled with surprises and excitement. So here's the story:

As any typical Friday morning, I begrudgingly woke up at 7 and rolled out of bed. This time though, I was greeted with a rose and a note in the bathroom. It was from Kevin. It told me to have great morning (and some other romantic stuff that will be kept secret!). There was a suggestion to wait outside my first class for a familiar face.

I was greeted by Kevin and I's good friend, Marcos, after my first class with a rose and a new note. Then after my second class I was greeted by my roommate, Elizabeth, with a rose and a note. Once I got to work that morning Crystal snuck in a rose and a note to give me. Then at lunch with Stacie, I received another rose and note. Back at work again I received a rose and a note by Tristan, a 3 year old at my work. This note told me not to leave from work until 5. When I got out to my car and opened the door, I was overwhelmed with the scent of Kevin's cologne in my car and a note on my seat. I returned to my apartment and woke up my other roommate, Erica, to receive yet another rose and a note. This note told me to stay casual and meet him at Abuelo's (a Mexican restaurant) at 6 p.m. sharp. Once I got there, he met me in the parking lot with a rose and a kiss. The whole dinner he had me fooled that this was the end, and that it was just a cute way to greet me once he got into town. One of his best friends, Kevin Sisk, who was our waiter played along. Then dessert came . . . With another rose and a note!

This note lead me (by myself) to my loving parents house for a visit. After sufficient recapping of the days events, they finally handed over the next rose and note. This one instructed me to go home a take a bath to relax. But when I got home, it was much more than a bath. My roommate came out with a candle and lead me to the "inner sanctuary" (aka my bathroom). All the lights were out and Enya music was floating through the air. As she opened the door, the floor, tub, and sink were covered with red rose petals as candle light danced on the walls from the dozens of candles. Then next to my bubble and rose petal filled tub was a new rose and note. Then I took the most amazing bath I've ever had. The next note lead me to my room with a rose petal path to my bed. On my bed was my best formal and shoes. After getting changed Erica came in again to help me with hair and make-up. Then we waited for my driver to come. Stacie came up with a CD for driving music and an eye mask to blindfold me. The CD was entitled "Kevin and Mary in Love" and was filled with appropriate love filled songs. After driving for about 50 minutes, I was a little nervous that we would never get to our destination, but Stacie got me there safe and sound.

When we finally stopped Kevin lead me out of the car and up what seemed like a hill. Finally we stopped and he un-blindfolded me. We were standing in the middle of Camp Rio Blanco in Crosbyton. This camp is where me and Kevin staff the raider awakening retreat we have every semester. It's absolutely beautiful. When you look up you can see every star in the sky, and the night is pitch black without city lights. This is where some background info might come in handy. Kevin and I have been dating long distance for about 9 months. So when we don't get to see each other, we say that we will meet in our dreams. This is our dream: we are both dressed in our best formals, dancing underneath a star filled sky, barefoot on the softest grass, singing to each other as we spin around the whole night.

So we slipped of our shoes and danced in the quite night. Truly a dream come true.... Then he spun me around, got on one knee, took out the ring, said some beautiful words, and then asked me to marry him. I, of course, said 'yes'!!! After a little more star gazing, laughing, and dancing, we drove back to Lubbock at midnight to a CD entitled "Kevin and Mary Engaged"!!!

So now you know the story... And so I must end it with this:
= = = And they lived happily ever after = = =

Love? Love! Love.

how do you show love? how do you receive love? where did your concept of love come from?

Everyone was raised with a different type of love. We are surrounded with different types of love. We all show our love for others in different ways. How was I loved?

I learned from my mother :: In the kitchen, mom would dance with us. Sometimes to music, sometimes to her humming. Sometimes I would do it willingly, sometimes she would literally drag me on the floor. We spun around the tiny kitchen area laughing and I knew she loved me. I guess that's one of the reasons dancing and hugging mean so much to me, because that was one of the ways I was taught to love.

I learned from my father :: I love my father to death and I'm a huge daddy's girl, but I must admit that my father is a very big nerd. As a teenager, I would be mortified with embarassment. He would walk around in public with a pith helmet!!! (If you don't know what that is, imagine a tan round hard hat that you would wear in a jungle). But he taught me an accepting love. Yeah he's not the coolest in the world, but he's my dad. He loves me more than anything. So no matter what he wears, no matter how nerdy he gets, no matter what out of date thing he does, i love him and he loves me. I learned to love despite outward appearances or mannerisms.

I learned from my sister :: There is no bubble. Meaning we hold hands, kiss on the check, hug, link arms, rub shoulders, and all things that are in your personal bubble. My best friend in high school had a big bubble around her, and she would always yell at me for getting in it. It's just the type of love she taught me.

I learned from my brother :: Family is not something you exactly choose. Me and my brother didn't see eye to eye on things when I hit my teenage years and I thought he was wrong on a lot of things. But when it comes down to it all, his my brother and all I want to do is love him. No mater what your family has done or will do or wants you to do, you accept and love, because that's what families do. Familes got to love.

All my friends have taught me things about love, and maybe I've taught them some things. I'm not quite sure how I show love, but I know that I've sure felt it from my family and friends. Thanks to all for the lessons learned and the warmth felt.

In College.....

COLLEGE... These are the best days of my life! I was talking with my aunt the other day and decided that I truly have had a diverse college experience.

* I missed a final due to over sleeping :: Thank goodness the professor was a family friend and allowed me to take it later on in the day
* I've had a professor miss a final :: I didn't have to take that final since she never showed up.

* I've received a 101 in Statistics :: A+
* I've received and C-/F :: For your information, that counts as passing!

* I've lost my dorm key, the emergency dorm key, and have had 8 student I.D.'s in three years

* I've lived in the dorms : I've lived with my parents at home : I've lived in an apartment with friends : I've lived in an apartment with strangers

* I've had a professor invite me to a keg party after the final - Thanks, Dr. Matthew
* I've had a professor treat me like scum on his shoes and say that one more mistake and I would be out of his class - Thanks, Dr. Dini : I made a B in the end!

* I've been on the dean's list twice
* I've been on a "list" given to the dean of students who missed the first assessment test, and were thought to not be able to make it

* I've made some stupid mistakes : we won't go into these
* I've made some smart decisions : like going on Raider Awakening #27

- - - In May 2006, I should graduate with a biology minor, and a chemistry minor after 4 years on the dot. Even my mom didn't think I could do it! I don't know if these will always be the best days of my life, but they will always be fondly remembered.

Like mother like daughter

I know that people say that girls become more and more like their mom's when they grow older, but this is getting ridiculous....

... In the past couple of weeks I've had two people stop to talk to me thinking that I'm my mom. Now, I know there is family resemblance, but I would of thought the 34 year age difference would have clued them in.

... Last night I let my mom wax my eyebrows after she had two glasses of wine. In hindsight, that wasn't a smart decision. After one swipe of the wax strip and the silent gulp of air, I realized a good portion of my eyebrow was gone. After a few angry yells and a lot of laughter, mom took off half of her own eyebrow on accident. Now we really look alike with our missing eyebrows!

... Yesterday, I got a stressed out phone call from my mom. She got a speeding ticket. 47 in a 35. I tried to calm her down and reassure her that defensive driving wasn't that bad. And then this wired fate hit me. I was driving down University between 19th and 4th and got pulled over by a cop. Can you guess it.... I got a ticket for going 47 in a 35. Really, what are the odds?

Good thing I love my mom, because it's not easy to become anyone. Luckily, she's a pretty cool lady to model. So this weekend, me and mom will go to my cousin's wedding where there will be lots of pictures taken, and both of us will be sporting only one and half eyebrows. And yes, we plan to take our defensive driving class together!

Love you, mom!

To whom I was known as Maria

... I hate good-byes ...

It all started on a cold December night 5 1/2 years ago. That's the night I met Kevin Christopher Martinez. This was no ordinary meeting. In fact it would be one that would literally change my life. Most friendships have a natural progression: meeting, to talking, to knowing each other, to spending time together, to then becoming best friends. But that wasn't what me and Kevin had. As a strange blessing from God, that very first time we met, me and Kevin became best friends. Inseparable. Undeniably close.

Nobody could really understand our friendship. To be so close between a boy and a girl, without it being romantic. To always be by the same persons side everyday. To be so close in what should have been years, but was only days. Truthfully, I don't really even understand it to this day. But I sure am grateful.

Years have passed. We've gone through graduations, boyfriends/girlfriends, stupid stunts, fighting matches, laughing till I wet my pants, scandals, vacations, and every range of emotion a person can go through.

I'm forever grateful to him for the person he helped me become. I was fine being an introvert, but he taught me to come out of my shell. He was the one that started me singing in the choir at mass. He was the one who literally forced me to go one Raider awakening and start joining CSA. He always made me watch my language and dress modestly. I can't count the number of times he's protected and took care of me. He became a part of my family, and me a part of his.

Last week, he left for Indiana for a two year internship with Indiana University. We had to say good-bye. It's not the end for our friendship, but it is a dramatic change. One I hope we can make it through. I'll miss you Kevin, and I wish you the best of luck in is your new surroundings.

... I hate saying good-bye, so I guess I'll just see you again some day!

The Great Race

---Once a very wise friend (a.k.a. Stacie) told me how to find the perfect man. She said that you have to be running towards God and keep your focus set on him. Then when you look over and see the man running alongside you, you've found him. I'll forever be grateful for that tid-bit of knowledge.

---So I ran, and ran, tripped... dang it, got up, ran, ran, ran into a mistake... opps, refocused, ran, ran, ran, and God told me to look over. I saw him. Wasn't sure, so kept on running towards God, and he said to look over again. yep, he was still there. He was still running next to me.

---That's when part of the advise was lost. I was so intrigued that I couldn't stop looking next to me. I lost my focus. My run, turned into a jog, which turned into a little walk. My focus was on who was next to me, not who I was running towards. Things started getting harder, the one started to seem farther away, and I couldn't hear of the cry of God calling me forward.

---Something had to happen... so I ran focused on God. And it worked. I ran, I kept my focus, and when I glanced over, he was still right next to me, closer than ever. He's next to me, not in front of me. He's focused with me, I'm not focused on him. We run together, and try to keep our focus on God. Without that, everything crumbles. There is no foundation to a relationship without God being the key player in it all.

"I say only this: forgetting what is behind me, I race forward and run towards the goal, my eyes on the prize to which God has called us from above in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14-15

... thanks for the advice, stacie...

Mama Neon

I have fishies!!! It was a part of my B-day gift from Kevin. They were given to me close to the one year anniversary of the death of Roy, my fire bellied toad **moment of silence please**

There's nothing more exciting than being a new mom. When I first saw Penn & Teller, and Pennie & Tellie floating in the water, there was that unexplainable connection between a mom and her kids. They are school fish, so they stuck really close to each other that first day. They are mostly white with a red stripe and a iridescence stripe (which gives them their name). After many attempts to "charge" the fish, Kevin and I discovered that they do not glow in the dark, but reflect light! In their little tank, we were all starting to bond as a family.... Then it went down hill.

One terrifying morning, I went to feed the babies, when a dead pennie was found at the bottom. It was quite a heart breaking morning. So I used the kitchen tongs to pick her out, seal her in a little bag, and leave her in my glove compartment. I couldn't get her replaced till the next day. I thought then peace would be restored to our little family with the addition of Tater Salad (I switched from names of magicians to comedian, cause I was running out of names). Then just the other day, I couldn't find Tellie. Upon cleaning out the aquarium, I had to stifle back nausea as I saw him float to the top....

This was more than I could take, so I decided not to replace Tellie and let the others live till their time was done. With three living fish, I put them back in the tank... Not knowing much about water currents, pebbles, and small fish, I made the mistake of burying one of the fish under the rocks. It's little beady eye was pressed against the plastic in a helpless panic. My heart stopped as I desperately tried to free him. He's still a little shocked but at least he's okay. Now it was time for a peaceful, happy family.

But no... They had to give good ole' mom another panic attack. One peaceful morning, I came in, feed them, turned away, turned back.... and low and behold, a fish was laying on the counter. Not sure if it had been there just now or since last night I poked it. It sprung to life, and a chase ensued with my running around with cupped hands in pursuit of the panicked fish. Once safe in the water, I noticed another one had wedged himself under all the rocks, unable to move, and giving me the look like "opps". Without skipping a beat I pulled out the fake plant and all the rocks. They are now in 'time out' with all their play toys removed until they can learn to stop trying to commit suicide.

No one told me what a heartbreaking, heartwarming, all around complicated thing it is to be a mom. I'm slowly getting the hang of this. Come by anytime to see the kids... before they try and kill themselves again!!!!

I'm a woman... hear me ROAR!!!

Whewww.... What a crazy couple of weeks!!! Life is pretty great.

May 9 - Kevin and I celebrated our One year anniversary (over the phone!). Yep, I can't believe it was only a year ago that I got those wonderful pictures developed at wal-mart that showed Kevin asking me out. I'm a very lucky girl to get such a romantic prince charming. I'll get to see him again in a little over a week. Thank goodness he's coming down for memorial weekend. I go a little nutzy without him here.

*bang* - I shot my first gun!!! Thanks to Dale and his friends for taking me out shooting. As a Texas girl, I can now proudly say that I have shot off a gun. I didn't know it could be so much fun. He handgun was a little frightening, but shooting pigeons with the shotgun was a blast. I only actually hit 2 of them, but that's not horrible for a first time. To bad Erica has an amazing shot. She even shot better than some of the boys there. Good luck, Dale!

BLING~BLING - As a 20 year old woman, I got my ears pierced for the first time on Sunday! I know most girls get this done way before they even hit puberty, but I refused as a young girl. I found it to be a barbaric ritual to put holes in your body simply as a decoration (truthfully, a part of me still feels that way), but I got bit by the piercing bug. I decided to get it done in time to show of some banging new earrings for my 21st coming up. Thanks so much to my support group of girl friends who laughed, took pictures, and held my hand as I sat in the chair at Claire's in the mall. It wasn't as bad as I had thought, and I love the look of my new sparkling ears.

Adios, Sentury Park - I moved out of the ghetto-ist place on earth!!! The move was exhausting and ridiculous, but all worth it in the end. I L-O-V-E the new apartment. It's just perfect (with a few flaws!). Right now it's just me and Erica (my common law wife, as I like to call her since we've lived together so long), but soon Elizabeth will be joining our crazy family. Feel free to come by and check it out. We're hoping to have a house-warming party later to where everyone can bring us potted plants and other wired things you bring to a house-warming party.

So it's been a great few weeks... After the anniversary, shooting a gun, getting my ears pierced and living in a real apartment, I feel like a real woman!!!

Party like it's Formal 2005

Okay... so technically Formal was a whole week ago, but I've been too busy with finals to get a chance to write about it!

The great weekend started out with Stacie Appreciation day.... What? you don't know what that is? that's okay, this year is it inaugural debut! Don't believe me, just ask Stacie for the certificate (it's very official). The night was great! Erica, Elizabeth, Stacie, and I proceeded to "appreciate" Stacie with dinner, massages, pedicures, s'more over a candle, chick flich, manicure and the ever appropriate Enya music. The night was a smash hit, and a lot of fun for us girls to get together again!!!

The next afternoon was busy with decorating for formal, eating McD's, and getting my hair done (for only $8, what a steal!). I properly got all gussied up for Brain to come pick me up. I felt really bad that he was taking me to formal, when he had just starting dating Cristie. I tried to talk him out of taking me, but he insisted that it was fine. I opened the door to a brimming Brian. As I lean over to give him a hug, I see a figure in the corner holding a red rose. Kevin flew up from Austin without me knowing to surprise me for Formal. I was so shocked that I feel back on the screen door and said the "s" word (trust me, that's a big deal for me to say!). I was so shocked and happy, I kind of just walked down the stairs numb. The red rose was very appropriate since last formal we were not dating yet, and he brought me a yellow (friendship) rose.

The night was a blast. It meant so much to me just to be held by him while we swirled around the dance floor. The whole world could have dropped away, and it wouldn't have mattered because he was there with me. It was the greatest year anniversary gift that I could have ever asked for. Thanks babe!

Everyone was so beautiful that night, and everything just glimmered. With the Crazy Catholic Cutie picture, I started thinking about how much has changed since my Freshman year! It hit me on the dance floor. Stacie, Erica, Elizabeth, and I were doing the Macarana, and I realized how much these girls have meant to me over the years. We've had so many laughs and tears. They've seen me through my entire college career! I can't wait for another year of memories to accumulate before I graduate.

It was a great evening with the love of my life, and my best friends around me. Thanks to everyone who made the evening just perfect!!!!

Amen Brother Paul

~~~I stumbled upon this the other day, and a rush of memories came back.

I grew up in a catholic home, went to a catholic school, went to church every Sunday, and I still had no clue what my faith was. I never felt like my religion was a part of me or had any clue of who I was. Then God gave me this:

When I first started going to adoration, I had no clue how to pass the time. I would try and stretch my rosary out for 30 min. Just to swallow some of the un-ending hour. I was about to graduate from high school, and the gifts from "family friends" that I have never known were pouring in. In one of the packets, there was a small red book called "My daily Life". It was deep reading for back then. ... Well, let's not kid anyone, it's still really deep for me. But I tried to at least get through the first few pages.

~St. Paul gives a good description of this human situation in his letter to the Romans. He writes : "I cannot understand my own behavior. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate... for though to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want... In fact this seems to be the rule, the every single time I want to do good, it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles the law which my reason dictates."
....WHAT!... back that soul train up... did I read that correctly?... This is SAINT Paul writing here, and it sounds like something I would say (but in a Texas accent). This is not some perfect person telling me about a perfect life, but a sinner who strives for a perfect life with Christ. For the first time, I realized that the bible could relate to me. The bible can still be relevant in 2002 (the year at the time) and is not out of date with our society!

With this new realization, I found the bible and catechism full of relevant info. From marriage, to prayer, to love, to homosexual relations, to masturbation, to how a wife should behave, to how I can be a vessel for Christ, to how I should love my God. And most importantly, it showed me how much he loves me in return. I'm sure St. Paul didn't realize that those words he wrote would lead a girl hundreds of year later closer to Christ, but I'm sure glad he wrote it anyway. Now I see the bible as a personal letter to me, rather than a book written by dead saints.

"So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. " Romans 7

Just a weekend...

Just a weekend... The phrase really doesn't do it any sort of justice. I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months and have had the chance to see Kevin 4 times since then. In some ways we are a normal couple: we talk on the phone every night, and go on dates when we get the chance. But in other ways we are not normal: I don't get to sit next to Kevin during mass, I don't get to hold his hand when hanging out with friends, and every time I see him, he looks a little different because of the time that's elapsed between visits.

It's not like we try to make the time between visits so long. Life makes it that way (jobs, school, limited vacation time, 5.5 hour drive, lack of funds). So when a visit does come, it is greeted with much anticipation and expectations. For instance, I know that the next time I see Kevin will be in 33 days. I'm a strong woman and doing great in life, but my best friend is miles away from me.

This past weekend was more than just a plain weekend because I got to look into the best looking green eyes. I got to feel someone play with my hair while I drove around town. I got to walk into Wal-mart holding his hand. I got to smack him in the arm when he made a comment I didn't like. I got to warm my feet under his legs when we sat on the couch. I was held in two big arms while we danced around the apartment. I got to have a ridiculous smile on my face all the time. I got to re-memorize the freckles on his face. I got to talk honestly and deeply. I got to grow closer to the man I love.

So while it may be just a weekend, it's what I live for and depend upon. A lot will happen in 33 days, but I will count down every day till I get just another weekend.

A look into a look

::: formal season is here, and the dresses, shoes, jewelry, and make-up is all lining up. But lurking in the corner is a big ugly monster that I think all women face.

I was raised in a loving, supportive family that always thought I was pretty. I've never had a boy friend want me to get a "boob-job" or get a tan. No one has ever called my ugly, but it still doesn't stop the monster from popping in my head. I can be walking past a mirror, and all of a sudden think "dang, I look really good today. I feel like a goddess". And then the next day I'll walk past the same mirror and think "aughhh, what a hideous body". My body has barely changed in the past 4 years, but the way my mind perceives it changes by the day. I swear, if there was a pill out there that made you think you were a model everyday, I would be buying a truck load!

This body is part of who I am. God chose this body for me. No enhancement procedure, tanning bed, friends, modeling company, self-esteem, or clothes is going to change who I am. And on the flip side, the way I look doesn't change who I am. When I go to class in sweat pants a high school t-shirt with no make-up, I'm the same person as the put-together glamour girl at formal. Why can't we see that with our eyes.

My body (and some possible divine reasoning)
1) I am white and burn more than I tan- Maybe this was God's way to keep me from prolonged sun exposure. I have found from my aunts and mother (who tanned all the time as kids) that skin cancer is very prevalent in my family.

2) I am skinny all over except in my thighs (which wiggle all around when I walk) - Maybe this was God's way of preparing me with a comfortable seat for my future children some day. We all know how uncomfortable a bony seat can be.

3) I have very small breasts - Larger breast size can cause back pain with women. I have enough back problems with out adding on extra weight to the cause. I also can hold a conversation with guy, without them looking down instead of into my eyes. Maybe God wanted me to talk to a guy that another girl couldn't because he would get distracted. Who knows? God is cool like that.

I may not always appreciate my body, but I was given it for many reasons. I just need to learn to appreciate it more. So tomorrow morning, when I role out of bed in my stinky pj's, hair all kinds of wild, breath so strong it could kill a small animal, face flush and pimply, I will look into the mirror and proudly yell out "DAMN, I LOOK SEXY!!!!" I suggest you do the same!

No, I do not want sex in a bottle!

I apologize for this not being a reason to praise God, but it bothers me so much that I must share!

I am a bottle reader. Lotion, Shampoo, Conditioner, Hair Products, the works... I love reading the stupid fluff stuff on the back and sad directions (come on, who doesn't already know how to shampoo their hair). But I read the info on the back of the Herbal Essences shampoo, and it just crossed the line. I will type the exact wording from the bottle:

Escape into a world of exotic pleasure and unleash the power of your naturally beautiful hair. Seductively lush and wild, this shampoo will take your hair to a place it's never been before.

Herbal Lore: Ginger Flower has sensuous arousal powers; it's been used as a seducing botanical for centuries.

DIRECTIONS: Massage your hair under a waterfall and get lost in the sensuous lather. Linger in the lush fragrance and exotic pleasure. Rinse when ready.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I assume I am part of the target demographic for Herbal essences, but I assure you that I don't want analogies to sex on my shampoo. It was bad enough that they had "moaning" commercials that would make you feel horribly uncomfortable while sitting next to your dad, but now they make me uncomfortable by myself in the shower. How sad is that this sex drenched, gutter minded world has to use words like pleasure, sensuous, and arouse just to sell something to rid your hair of oil every day! This is the last time I'm buying herbal essences. I would rather read the boring bottle of Head & Shoulders. With them I don't have worry about getting dirty again right after I shower...

Saying good-bye to Papa

^^^As the whole world knows now, Pope John Paul the Second has left this world to go to his real home. It makes me laugh now to think of one of my Protestant friends leaning over and asking me "How do you feel about this pope thing?". I don't quite remember what lame response I gave back to her, but it deserves further contemplation. The more I research my Catholic faith, the more I find out what a "devout catholic" I am. It's kind of funny, really. I've spent my whole life open to different walks of life and immersed in as much diversity as I could. And in the end, I always find the church as the center of truth. I used to be ashamed to say this, but not anymore. I'm a Papist. No, I didn't misspell Baptist. A papist is a Roman Catholic who is a strong advocate of the papacy and adheres to the Church of Rome and the authority of the pope. I followed the teaching and guidance of Pope John Paul II, the 264th successor of Saint Peter, and I will follow the next successor of Peter.

^^^ I am truly blessed to say that I got to see JPII with my own eyes New Years day 2005 in Vatican City, Italy. The whole experience was surreal and eye-opening. When you see the history of the church with your very own eyes on such holy ground, there is no question that the Roman Catholic church was the very first church and where the laws passed down from Jesus still remain. The history itself is overwhelming evidence. During the mass, people were standing of chairs and straining necks just to a get a glimpse at such an amazing man. Even in a wheel-chair with a slightly slurred speech, the Pope held more awe, power, and respect than any other man in the world. The amazing thing I thought about the Pope was how he made the church alive in this century, yet still firm on the teachings we have always held. Challenging the world against homosexual relations, contraceptives, and abortion. He saw the youth are the new leaders of the world, and spoke to them many a time about there responsibility in the Church to the "watchmen" of the new world.

We love you, J-P-2!

I'm a virgin to this...

*** This is my very first time to start a blog-zanga-on-line-diary type things, so we'll see how this goes. Who knows who even reads these things anyway! Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to keep a diary like the cool girls. But the combination of my horrible handwriting and spelling stopped me from really using one. But I do believe there are many benefits to writing down your thoughts. So while this might not help anyone else, I'm excited to have a platform to spill my thoughts onto. ~plus with spell checks and fonts, I don't have to worry about my previous interferences~

RTPG - I will soon be leaveing this ghetto fabulous apartment. Today I had a normal shower for about 2 minutes before the water pressure gave out and the hot water turned barly lukewarm. I just want a normal shower. Is that really to much to ask.

RTPG - Talking with my old best friend Amy on Thurdays (sorry I missed the rock everyone). I was really nervous about it, but it went great. It made me miss the old days of hanging out at a coffee shop every night, listing to ghetto music in cars with real speaker systems, going to the tracks to drag race and check out cars (and maybe guys every once and awhile). The old days were great, but i love where I am now.

RTPG - Formal dress shopping with Erica. There's nothing like dress shopping with one of your best girl friends. Some dresses looked really great, and well some.... not so good. One mad erica look like a sad las vegas waitress and me like a tube of toothpaste! Good laughs were had by all.

peak-into-adoration: This was a good adoration week. Me and God are on speaking terms again. All it took was for me to get my head out of the sand, and stop living in the world. It's so hard to come back after a low, but it's so depressing to stay in a low state. We talked about doing somethings that were out of my comfort bubble this week. So far only two have come up. One was talking to Amy again, and the other was ansering questions about catholisism. Both were fun and enjoyable in the end.