Yes, No, Maybe So

NO... NO... YES... I'm not sure... Only if it's cheap... AHHHH!!!

While I hate to admit it, I'm the youngest child and sometimes I act like it! I'm at a point in my life when a lot of decisions have to be made. I want to go about it in a baby-like fashion kicking and screaming and fusing all the way. There is graduation, wedding, and the rest of life looming over my head. I have an unending list of decisions to make... and I'm not a decision making type of girl.

in my brain at the moment:
- should I get a new cap and gown
- I need to ask my advisor to check if I'm clear to graduate
- those two tests this week are going to be killers
- did mom order enough grad. invitations
- I'm soooo behind on wedding planning
- where is all the money going
- did my dress go up into flames at more'le
- did I make the right bridesmaid decisions
- how do I get the cheapest/best cake
- am I the only one the likes my photographer
- is kevin going to be able to get the honeymoon worked out
- is my ring paid for
- what do I know about a good DJ, why do I have to decide
- the paper's announcement needs to come out soon
- hope the table and chairs I bought are a good investment
- when am I going to learn to cook
- do I choose a bridesmaid dress that I've never seen in person
- how long will it take people to realize that I have no ideas/options/plans for a job that I need to be starting in 1/2 a year...

I have come to realize 3 things:
1) I'm so ready to graduate even though I will miss college, and I am terrified of what I will do next. I don't care about tests, GPA, or being active in organizations. I care about seeing Kevin as much as possible, cherishing the time I have left with my friends here, and partying till the very end.
2) I want to see the suicide rate for brides-to-be. Planning your wedding is not this fairy tale that the world makes it out to be. Look at any bride-to-be and you'll see someone who is tired, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted at making decisions, and would rather just elope in Las Vegas. (Dad, I'm sure they would let you walk me down the isle instead of Elvis)
3) Instead of facing my problem of needing to find a real job, I'm shrinking away from it. I don't want to find out that: it's not something I love, that I need a masters, that I'll have to commute about an hour, I don't remember the skills they need me to have mastered, or that I just suck...

So excuse me world while I revert back to my childhood state. I'm going to go to my room, be stubborn, cry a little, and wait to come out till I'm ready to get over my hissy-fit.

~Count Your Blessings~

= = = The gifts have been opened, the drinks have been toasted and we are already into the new year, but a very important thing happened right before all the festivities. A dear loved one of mine shook the way I saw my life. I won't go into details for privacy sake, but the event was out of the ordinary and frightening at times. As I sat in an empty Arby's at some odd hour of the night in the middle of finals with Stacie, we discussed how are lives really weren't made of what we thought they were. Our finals were a joke, the Christmas shopping seemed so material, and my astonishing lack of money wasn't plaguing my mind. All I could think of was laughing with Elizabeth a few nights before as we sat on her bed and watched t.v. That's what matters in my life.

* * * * It reminded me of a homily that I heard from Fr. Malcom just a week before. He told us to love the people around us, and let them really know that we do! He said to see your Christmas gifts not as the presents under the tree, but as the blessings in your life. So it was time to count my blessings... And I truly am blessed. I work in a rather odd office, with people that listen to all my stories and make me laugh until I cry. I do complain about it a lot, but it's really fun to come to work and the actual "work" is something I really am good at. I have a core group of girlfriends that are my rock. They love me unconditionally and take care of my when I can't take care of myself! I can't count the number of conversations we've had sitting on one of our beds or around the kitchen table. Sometimes serious, sometimes just giving information to catch up on busy lives, but always ending in laughter and joy. I've come from an amazing family. They are perfect for me in every way. My dad is my first love and always a man I will look up to. My mom is my teacher of life. She gives the best advice. My brother is so loving. You can always come to him for an understanding hug. My sister-in-law is more like a real sister now a days. My older sis is just what you would want in an older sis! And my cat is my favorite pet ever. plus.. my fish are really cool. I also have a loving, supportive, funny, goofy, romantic, charismatic, charming, handsome, amazing fiance. There is no one else I wouldn't want by my side for the rest of my life. I live in a great town, I go to a great school, I belong to a great religion, and I'm surrounded by cool people! Life becomes difficult, but if you just see it as a blessing, you can find more good in it than bad. At the end of the year, I found that I got more than enough blessings... And there are still more I haven't counted!

. . . Here's to a blessed new year . . .

missing you

I miss my polar bear!!!